When do decide enough is enough? When is enough enough? Marriage. My marriage. I trust they all go slightly stale by the 12 year mark. I always thought that if I could make it to the 13 year mark, and beat my parent's by one year, then surely I'd have it in the bag. But lately, I don't think that will be the case. I don't even know if I feel love. My kids adore their father, he's a wonderfully sweet and kind man and his absolute devotion to them is beautiful. But there are so many layers that I just can't make peace with.
Anxiety and depression, and a family laden with drama, guilt, shame, deception, alcoholism. It's just becoming more than I feel as though I can handle. He treats me very well, he's perfect to the kids, but I feel as though I do not have a partner. We do not connect on any level. Even our small talk is boring and strained. And his same deamons are as reliable as clockwork. The guy is a door mat to his family and when I see how they treat him, and how he takes it, it's hard for me to not be changed. So many years I stomp my foot, tell him their behavior is not right - that he should say this, say that, do this, do that. So many times I've lined up and supported him through counseling and therapy. But after nearly 10 years ought someone decide to make a change in their life and go with some of the good advice they hear year after year? I see no changes. I don't know what to do at this point.
His brother called yesterday. Always his brother. Was annoyed he wasn't watching a football game - made some snied remark and quickly hung up the phone. Instead of blowing it off, he internalizes it. Every time. The rude remarks go straight to his soul. But instead of saying anything, he let's his anger fester. His whole weekend is ruined. He drinks beer in the garage when he thinks I don't see it. He went to help a friend fix his computer today. Gone a couple of hours - translation, a couple of beers. Comes home, still angered by Saturday's comment by brother. Goes for a walk to cool down - translation, a few more beers. I'm tucking kids in, he's doing his drunkish napping by the fire. I've been doing everything, all weekend. He's been sulking. It's the SAME weekend I've had over and over and over again. I am tired of it. If I expect him to change after all these years in counseling and therapy yet he chooses not to, then aren't I just as bad?? Seeing all the same behaviors and hoping for different outcomes - yet staying and waiting, and watching and hoping? Ought I be the one to make a change?
So tonight as he coughs up confession after confession of how many beers it was - just 1...well I guess 2...ok, 3 because I had one when i got home...alright, 4....I just don't know but i know I feel drunk - I say what I know are fighting words. I pour out all the remaining beer in the house and I tell him just to go upstairs and go to bed. Then I say it. I say I am close to wanting a divorce. He comes back into the kitchen with a look of just getting the wind knocked out of him. What, he asks? I tell him I'm tired of these cylces. I'm sick of this. I'm not even 40 yet and I can't keep doing this all of my life.
Do I really mean this though? Is being alone that much better than being with someone who drives you nuts half the time but is a simple yet nice guy the other half of the time? I don't know. All I know is that I am overwhelmed when I imagine even just another 12 years of this.
No comments:
Post a Comment